Aaljljljbalrjlajlajklaaslkjfla… There is a lot to cover. So many things have happened in the last two weeks that I could probably keep on writing forever. Of course the book I’m trying to write I haven’t touched but blathering on about myself all day long is much easier to me. I’m probably a little bit more self-absorbed than I’d like to admit but that self-analysis will have to wait. Right now, I want to explain a few things that have happened.
To start off with, I quit. I quit my job. And I am leaving for home in six days. No more au pairing for me, thank you very much. The details of this ordeal I don’t feel comfortable sharing yet because well, this is the internet and everything on here lives forever. It’s bad enough to have to cringe over my old facebook posts from when I was 15 as to permanently shame people cyberly. So y’all are just gonna have to believe me when I tell you it was bad and I was unhappy. I’ll probably write a memoir about myself in a few years seeing I’m so self-absorbed anyway so just stay tuned for tales of my dramas.
The stupidity of me coming here in the first place is much more available for discussion. I am an idiot. The first thing you need to check on your list of au pair credentials would be “do you like kids?” and if the answer is “nahh” then maybe don’t apply. Of course this was all pointed out to me by my wonderful mother prior to me leaving which as per usual I completely ignored because my mom “just doesn’t get me”. Mom, if you ever manage to find my blog know that I love you and I’m so grateful for everything you ever did for me. Even when I was younger and made your life hell by constantly yelling at you. So that’s one of the few things I’ve learned by being here. Actually listening to people’s opinions on my actions and plans instead of bounding after every single idea that pops into my head. I’m so incredibly indecisive when it comes to what I want to do with my life and I get so frantic about making The Right Choice that I just go after everything I think would be interesting.
A few weeks ago I was set on becoming a paleontologist (man that’s a tough word to spell) which is the stupidest thing I’ve ever considered as a career path for myself. The only reason I thought of that was while watching Walking With Dinosaurs and thinking to myself “Man, raptors are cool”, which is just not enough to put you through years of academia. And while I do find paleontology fascinating and love documentaries on prehistoric life I do definitely not want to work in that field. (Oh so typical if I then turn out to become a paleontologist in ten years). But it’s this kind of thinking ahead and weighing options that I need to make my decisions. I left for Switzerland because I was unhappy at home. I didn’t know what to do with my life, university was hard (really? Did that surprise me? REALLY??), I felt like I wasn’t connecting to my family, I was lonely and anxious. I was fleeing. Thinking that if I changed my location my problems would somehow get confused and not follow me.
But this has been so valuable and I’ve learned so much. I met the most amazing people that I could really connect with. The type of friends who don’t just accept your weirdness and quirks but actually embrace them. The first thought that popped into my head was that I finally have friends now, which I thankfully didn’t let fly unchecked because on not even a close inspection I have such wonderful, amazing friends all around the world. And I have been living blindfolded because the melancholy and sadness and self-wallowing is all I’ve ever known. I was unhappy before and I’ve gotten so used to it that I didn’t really know how to be a person without being sad.
And regarding what I want to do with my life- I still don’t know. I don’t think anybody does. But I’m definitely going to actually think my plans through because I can’t keep jumping into situations thinking “eh, it’ll be fine” and then kicking myself in the ass afterwards. There are plenty of opportunities out there and I’m not missing out on life if I don’t go after every single one of them just because they’re somewhat interesting. I’m not saying I don’t want to do things and experience life- but I want to actually want to do the things that I do. Live the life you love, love the life you live kinda thing, you know? It’s just not healthy to do things that ultimately I don’t want to do just for the sake of doing them.
And with that in mind I head home (in a few days). I’m going to resume my piano lessons, continue university starting in January and make myself stick out the kickboxing class I have quit 2 times before. I’m gonna do things that are hard, but that I actually want to do, and I’m going to allow myself to suck at them for as long as I need to get better. I suck at kickboxing, but after six weeks, I’ll hopefully suck a little less- and that’s progress. I’m just so happy and so excited to go back home.
Oh also, I asked my friend what to write about and he said I should write about this and the fact that he’s amazing and perfect and awesome and cool and incredible. Which Palli, you obviously are. So, here- permanently written in internet ink is the documentation of your perfectedness. Wait, the noun for perfect is perfection. Perfectedness, really brain?