Learning from experiences

Aaljljljbalrjlajlajklaaslkjfla… There is a lot to cover. So many things have happened in the last two weeks that I could probably keep on writing forever. Of course the book I’m trying to write I haven’t touched but blathering on about myself all day long is much easier to me. I’m probably a little bit more self-absorbed than I’d like to admit but that self-analysis will have to wait. Right now, I want to explain a few things that have happened.

To start off with, I quit. I quit my job. And I am leaving for home in six days. No more au pairing for me, thank you very much. The details of this ordeal I don’t feel comfortable sharing yet because well, this is the internet and everything on here lives forever. It’s bad enough to have to cringe over my old facebook posts from when I was 15 as to permanently shame people cyberly. So y’all are just gonna have to believe me when I tell you it was bad and I was unhappy. I’ll probably write a memoir about myself in a few years seeing I’m so self-absorbed anyway so just stay tuned for tales of my dramas. 

The stupidity of me coming here in the first place is much more available for discussion. I am an idiot. The first thing you need to check on your list of au pair credentials would be “do you like kids?” and if the answer is “nahh” then maybe don’t apply. Of course this was all pointed out to me by my wonderful mother prior to me leaving which as per usual I completely ignored because my mom “just doesn’t get me”. Mom, if you ever manage to find my blog know that I love you and I’m so grateful for everything you ever did for me. Even when I was younger and made your life hell by constantly yelling at you. So that’s one of the few things I’ve learned by being here. Actually listening to people’s opinions on my actions and plans instead of bounding after every single idea that pops into my head. I’m so incredibly indecisive when it comes to what I want to do with my life and I get so frantic about making The Right Choice that I just go after everything I think would be interesting.

A few weeks ago I was set on becoming a paleontologist (man that’s a tough word to spell) which is the stupidest thing I’ve ever considered as a career path for myself. The only reason I thought of that was while watching Walking With Dinosaurs and thinking to myself “Man, raptors are cool”, which is just not enough to put you through years of academia. And while I do find paleontology fascinating and love documentaries on prehistoric life I do definitely not want to work in that field. (Oh so typical if I then turn out to become a paleontologist in ten years). But it’s this kind of thinking ahead and weighing options that I need to make my decisions. I left for Switzerland because I was unhappy at home. I didn’t know what to do with my life, university was hard (really? Did that surprise me? REALLY??), I felt like I wasn’t connecting to my family, I was lonely and anxious. I was fleeing. Thinking that if I changed my location my problems would somehow get confused and not follow me.

But this has been so valuable and I’ve learned so much. I met the most amazing people that I could really connect with. The type of friends who don’t just accept your weirdness and quirks but actually embrace them. The first thought that popped into my head was that I finally have friends now, which I thankfully didn’t let fly unchecked because on not even a close inspection I have such wonderful, amazing friends all around the world. And I have been living blindfolded because the melancholy and sadness and self-wallowing is all I’ve ever known. I was unhappy before and I’ve gotten so used to it that I didn’t really know how to be a person without being sad. 

And regarding what I want to do with my life- I still don’t know. I don’t think anybody does. But I’m definitely going to actually think my plans through because I can’t keep jumping into situations thinking “eh, it’ll be fine” and then kicking myself in the ass afterwards. There are plenty of opportunities out there and I’m not missing out on life if I don’t go after every single one of them just because they’re somewhat interesting. I’m not saying I don’t want to do things and experience life- but I want to actually want to do the things that I do. Live the life you love, love the life you live kinda thing, you know? It’s just not healthy to do things that ultimately I don’t want to do just for the sake of doing them.

And with that in mind I head home (in a few days). I’m going to resume my piano lessons, continue university starting in January and make myself stick out the kickboxing class I have quit 2 times before. I’m gonna do things that are hard, but that I actually want to do, and I’m going to allow myself to suck at them for as long as I need to get better. I suck at kickboxing, but after six weeks, I’ll hopefully suck a little less- and that’s progress. I’m just so happy and so excited to go back home. 

Oh also, I asked my friend what to write about and he said I should write about this and the fact that he’s amazing and perfect and awesome and cool and incredible. Which Palli, you obviously are. So, here- permanently written in internet ink is the documentation of your perfectedness. Wait, the noun for perfect is perfection. Perfectedness, really brain? 

I have a crush

I have a crush on someone. It is both a lovely feeling and a horrible one. Because I don‘t know how he feels about me. Well, I assume there‘s some level of attrection. We talk every day and he smiles when he sees me, that and the fact that in little over a week we‘re going on a holiday to Prague. Soooo yea, pretty serious, right?
                The thing is though that we met this summer while working and had ourselves a fling. We talked about it and decided that since I was moving away for nine months to Switzerland we should just have our little fling and then go our separate ways when work was done. A genius plan that would have worked if it weren‘t for the fact that he‘s so incredibly adorable! Of course I had to go ahead and make things so god damn complicated with my emotions that I have little to no control over. *Sigh* 
                Although this is pretty much a petty little problem I have. I have the joyous opportunity to feel attracted to this amazing person. And it sucks so bad at the same time. Does he like me too? Does he think of me all the time? Does he have the need to say „I care about you“ as much as me because I do care about him and want him to know? 
                In any other situation I‘d just tell him. „Hey you, dickbutt*, I really like you. I like putting my lips against yours, I like cuddling with you, I like watching game of thrones with you, wanna be my boyfriend?“ Or something to that effect while looking completely gorgeous and adorable and amazing. 
            *this is an endearing term I hold for people I deeply care about, along with; muffinfucker, cupcake-cocker (I like baked goods apparently) and cumbucket to name a few. 
            However.. as I said we‘re going to take a trip in a week so if I ask him now and it turns out he doesn‘t see me in a romantic light it‘s going to be very, very, VERY awkward. „Yea, uhmm.. I don‘t really like you like that.. so yea“ „Oh haha that‘s cool, I was just kidding haha, looking forward to spending 5 days with you in close quarters, sharing the same bed and having sex hahaha“. Awesome.
                So, what should be my plan of attack be here? I‘m horrible at reading body language or facial expressions so I‘m going to have to ask him. But when?? Even if we decide to give it a try I‘m only going to see him for 5 days and then go back to being an au pair for 2 months, come home for Christmas and out again till June. Is it worth the hassle? 
                Ugh. I think too much. These feelings of affection are inconvenient. 

Am I nerdy enough?

As a proud Nerd Fighter.. Wait no, we‘re gonna have to stop here and do a little detouring into my brain. As a person that wants to say they are something but don‘t feel they are that something enough I am quite afraid of openly expressing my enthusiasm to various different things I in fact am very enthusiastic about.
            I often think about being a nerd and what it actually means. When I was in elementary I publicly hated the word but personally felt a bit proud every time I was called that as well. Yes, yes. You may think I‘m weird now but I am incredibly intelligent. (An overestimated opinion based on how I didn‘t have to do anything particularly difficult or time-consuming in school to get good grades and then went of to college and am now questioning the very value of myself as a human being).
            What I think constitutes being a nerd is, just like Hank and John Green put it, liking things a lot. And being allowed to like things a lot without having to pretend you‘re not really into them. However, and here comes what makes me what most confused and doubtful- am I nerdy enough to be a nerd? This prompted me to google „I want to be a nerd but don‘t think I‘m nerdy enough“- which only resulted in various different tactics needed to get a girlfriend if you are in fact a nerd. *Inwardly cringing* -topic for another post some other time.
            I analyse my own nerdiness quite frequently and I always seem to come to the conclusion that I‘m not actually worthy of the grand title that is Nerd. Sure, I like things. I love reading The Mortal Instruments, fell in love with the Hunger Games and The Fault In Our Stars, but is that enough? These are all quite mainstream examples of amazing things which sometimes I feel isn‘t as deeply valued as other obscure, more rare things.
            And now I have to call myself out on my own bullshit because if you like something, you like it and that is awesome and amazing and wonderful and you should go out into the world and yell out to the sky how much you like this thing, no strings attached, no obligations needed. But.. But I‘m still scared. I‘m still embarrassed. Because I don‘t have t-shirts with my favorite band names on, I don‘t go to comiccon or vidcon or any other cons out there, I don‘t know the names of actors that play some of my favorite characters, I have yet to read some 20 books or so that are just laying on my desk which makes me feel so much shame, and so on and so on..
            This is just like the time when I really started liking heavy metal music but then felt totally embarrassed about that because what if someone tested me on it. I don‘t know rock history, I don‘t know the names of band members. This really scares me, because I bet I‘m not the only one. There are probably thousands of kids out there that are too afraid to admit that they like something, not because they‘ll get teased because they do, but because they don‘t like it enough or don‘t know enough about it.
            When did liking stuff become this incredibly prestige thing? When did the value of a fan of something depend on when they became a fan? „Oh you only know them because they‘re famous now“. Yes, that is generally how things work. Something fun and cool spreads through social media and then gets more attention and a larger fanbase which also helps fuel the spread of that cool and awesome thing. Are you into the super awesome Icelandic metal band Rafmagnað? No? Well, I am. My best friend is in that band. But if you only discover them when they‘ve hit it big I‘m going to assume you‘re a mainstream-freeloader and don‘t deserve the fundamental right of liking things that you like. Pff, poser. Also to prove your legitimacy as a fan list all the members of the band, 14 of their unpublished songs and also the birthday of the drummer‘s pet rabbit. *Bullshit Alert. Bullshit Alert*.
            So how do we stop this elite nerdiness high from prohibiting people to feel comfortable liking things? When can I feel happy and proud to say I‘m a nerd without having to have backup data in my head to prove it? I want to be a nerd!

Couch Potato

There once was a couch potato
So soft she was made of play dough.
She sat on the sofa and stared at the screen
rewatching what she had already seen.
She spent all her time doing nothing at all
gradually feeling pathetic and small.
She wanted to change, to feel happy once more
to not sit on the couch till her bum was sore.
To write new stories and paint the skies blue
to spend more time hanging out with you,
to inspire herself with metal and punk,
and pull herself out of her damaging funk.
„But a potato can‘t do much“ the potato begs,
looking down sadly adds „I don‘t even have legs“.
Fear not little potato, you don‘t have to do all.
The crucial part is to just start small. 

Anal sex?

So while me and my friends where casually discussing sex as we do we contemplated on the issues of various types of butt sex. Apparently fingering the butt of a lot of men feels super duper fabulouso. Then again others might disagree. However it is my experience that not a lot of men are open to any butt play due to the fact that eww.

Now everyone is entitled to their own sexual desires and fantasies and to be in control of their own sexual experiences. However, I think that if a boy wants to putt his cock between my cheeks, inside my asscrack, pull it out and reinsert it repeatedly, I should at least be able to finger his prostate. It’s not even an issue of my own sexual desires, but if I were allowed to finger-fuck a dude that’s planning on anal penetrating me he’d at least know how the sensation is personally. Then again this is mainly my response to all boys that want to fuck my butt since I am absolutely not interested in any anal action at all (except rimming, that’s a guilty pleasure- how can something so dirty feel so good?). It’s interesting how some guys feel entitled to the butts of their female partners but cringe inwardly as a finger slides between their own cheeks. Isn’t that a bit hypocritical? Shouldn’t you practice what you preach? Mainly I just enjoy the fantasy of answering the dreaded question “do you want to do anal?” with “Sure thing sweety, let me get the strap on, and maybe some lube”. 

Of course people interested in doing anal with each other are more than welcome to. Butt-fuck away! I just get pissed off at how easy anal sex is perceived by a lot of guys do to mainstream porn. That dick slides in waaaaayyy too easy for her to never have had buttbanging before. 

Bottom line (hehe bottom) is that anal sex is difficult and requires a lot of trust between partners, respect and copious amounts of lube. It is not for me personally, but if that’s what gets your freak on then use that booty, baby. It’s your body. 

*Footnote: maybe the reason some men are so prone to getting skid-marks is the fact that they’re so incredibly repulsed by their own anuses they don’t wipe it enough. 

Masturbation; discussion and a rough guide

To start this post off, yes, I will in fact be talking about masturbation. My own specifically the experiences I have had related to jerking off and then diving into the realm of sexual education as a whole. So, let’s begin. Oh also this is gonna get incredibly corny in the end. You have been warned.

I can’t remember how old I was when I first came to know what the concept of masturbation was. I remember walking down my school hallway and talking to a boy who was a couple of years older than me when I was maybe 13 or 14 years old. I remember him telling me that most girls my age had now begun to masturbate so that their vaginas would be stretched out enough to accommodate a dick. My reaction was: “ewww that’s gross”. It did not occur to me that this was complete bullshit because girls might actually masturbate just for the sake of masturbating, not as an exercise to prepare them for sex. I didn’t see anyone going around throwing peaches and mangoes into the faces of boys telling them to lick those fruit dry as a preparation for when they’d eat pussy, so I feel like this is a double standard.

Maybe I was aware of the fact that masturbation was a thing and that boys sometimes did that. I can’t remember most of my sexual education but I do remember that our class had to be split up by gender, and some boys had to be thrown out because they laughed too hard when it came to discussions of what breasts were actually for. (Which we as a society are still struggling to comprehend as evident by the fact that infants are forbidden to suckle their mothers’ tits because grown up people get offended by breasts and nipples, ESPECIALLY when they’re portrayed in nonsexual, very biological ways).

But it came to be that when I was about 14 or 15 years old that I was in the shower washing myself and all of a sudden a finger slipped into a hole that had gone previously unnoticed as part of my anatomy. And it felt.. meh. Kinda weird, but still pretty good as well. But for god knows what reason (Society, Prejudice, Slutshaming, Lack of proper sex education, etc. etc) I felt awful. I was ruined, dirty, disgusting. This was filthy. I cried every time after. Which wasn’t all that frequently because I was so embarrassed and mortified by what I had done in the first place. It didn’t even feel that good, not surprising by the state of my mind-set regarding this particular activity. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it either I was so scared and ashamed. Finally after months and months of hating the very skin I walked in I finally summoned up the courage to ask my girlfriends if they ever masturbated. All of them said no. And I don’t know if it was the guilt or just the weight of hating myself that finally made me confess my crime. In which one by one they all confessed too.

This is bad. Young girls should not be taught that their bodies are filthy and dirty and wrong for them to enjoy for the sake of their own pleasure. Like that boy who thought it was perfectly logical that girls jerked off to prepare themselves for cock but never even bothered with the notion that these girls might actually be fucking loving it just for themselves. I didn’t have my first orgasm until I was 17 and a half and by then I had already fucked two guys. Sex did not become good for me until even later than that. And I am so angry at everything and everyone around me that didn’t speak about my body in a way that it might be pleasing to me. I knew I could get pregnant, I knew I could get STD’s, I knew I could get raped. (Note that “I could GET RAPED”, not that “someone could RAPE ME”). But my body as a creature of own desire, longings of sexual explorations and acceptance wasn’t even mentioned.

Young girls deserve to know that exploring their own bodies is healthy and normal. Understanding what you feel like doing with yourself is amazing. And accepting that shouldn’t be this hard. I can’t even fully relax when I masturbate now because my vagina makes squishy noises, a perfectly natural, normal phenomenon. But for some reason I think it’s dirty or wrong or weird or unsexy.This lack of educating young people too that masturbation is normal and good and natural and happy and so so awesome for members of all types of genders and sexual orientations is outrageous.

Sex is good. Or it’s supposed to be. But how are we as young adults supposed to understand and enjoy sex when we’ve been told our whole lives that are own bodies are dirty? I’m not saying that all teenagers need to masturbate. I’m just saying that hey, you wanna go exploring go right ahead. Your hands won’t grow hair, Jesus won’t kill an angel or some religious crap, it might be weird at first and you might not know what to do with all that equipment but it’s your body and you should feel wonderful for all that it is.

And for those of you who are completely lost; some rough guide on how to masturbate: (I don’t know why but it turns out that this manual is written in a very, very idiot proof writing style, and also a bit hippie dippie, but hippies are full of love and that’s the message anyway so)

Step 1) Relax. You need to be as relaxed and comfortable as possible. Maybe turn on music if you’re afraid that people might hear you and that makes you uncomfortable, get under the sheets, get ontop of ‘em, get in the shower, sit at your laptop, just do whatever you feel most comfortable about. Maybe turn off your phone and lock the door too.

Step 2) You need to be sexually aroused, if you have a vagina that means lubricated or wet and if you have a penis that means hard. Now how to become aroused is a different matter. Everybody has their own thing, personally I recommend some saucy fanfiction, audios or erotic readings. It’s all about feeling good about your own body. If you get off on porn that’s fine, just remember that porn very rarely reflects real life interaction between two or more people and can often be sexist and harmful, dive in carefully.

Step 3) Grab the thing and do stuff with it. This is the fun part; EXPLORE! After a couple of tries you’ll probably know what’s good for you and what isn’t but this is the part where you’re gonna have to do some work yourself. I can’t magically tell you what kind of pressure, pace or technique is gonna work best for you. So seriously, just do something and if it feels good keep doing it. You can throw in some toys if you’d like, I can’t get off on my fingers alone so this is absolutely vital to me (if you don’t have a toy and want one- go buy one! Takes courage oh god I know, it shouldn’t but sex is so incredibly stigmatized in our society that just the concept of buying a dildo is enough to make my stress skyrocket. (If you’re not old enough to buy a toy you can ask someone who is to help you oooooooor just go in yourself since they probably won’t check your age unless you’re obviously like 8 or something, worked for me)).

So this is pretty much the gist of it. Otherwise google is a lifesaver.

Alright then! Go ahead and masturbate! Your body is beautiful and amazing and you should do with it what feels good for you. Happy jerking off.